im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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