I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
