I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just invented taco cereal.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
