the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
