i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
