i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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