She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
