I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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