I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
