I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
