i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
