I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
