I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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