Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
