Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
