Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
