My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
