Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
