You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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