we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
