DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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