I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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