so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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