God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
