if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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