some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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