What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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