I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
