Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
