I wish you could order shots online.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
