Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just want nice things and good sex
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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