One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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