Please, let me fuck your mom
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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