last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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