Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
