she woke up with a sticky ear
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
