If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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