i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
