Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
