Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
