3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
