My hand turned me down
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
