ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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