my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
