You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
