Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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