Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
