Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
