We're like a lot better than the average bears
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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