the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
