Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
