I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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