I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
