Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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