remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
