i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
false alarm, still single
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