Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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