Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
