After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
