kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
